Monday in the Octave of Easter
Whenever my wife and I have told people when we've been expecting, someone will inevitably ask, "Are you getting excited?" To this question, I will start quoting Matthew's Gospel. Mary Magdalene and the other Mary's emotions are described in this phrase, "fearful yet overjoyed." How perfectly that captures the chaotic complexity of human emotion!
So many times in life we can be this messy ball of "fearful yet overjoyed." Certainly, as mentioned before it might come with parenthood. But it is certainly not limited to that season. Engaged couples might feel that way, or individuals who are about to make final vows or get ordained. Anytime something that is going to drastically alter the course of our lives is happening or is about to happen we might be able to answer, "I am 'fearful yet overjoyed.'"
This gospel perfectly captures that our relationship with God is not excluded from this spectrum. When I speak to others of my conversion I often bring up two elements.
The first is that I liken parts of my conversion to turning on the bathroom light in the morning. It is so good. It is so necessary. Without it, I can't function as I should. And yet the exposure to the light is uncomfortable for my eyes at first. I had become accustomed to the darkness and adapting to the light hurts. Jesus Christ's resurrection is like the goodness of the bathroom light times a gazillion. We should not be surprised when that light sometimes makes us uncomfortable.
The second is that at a pivotal moment in my return to the faith the first words out of my mouth were not very churchy. After a friend disclosed a story that left me convinced that I had to stop toying with returning to my Christianity and actually take my faith seriously, my first words were "Oh shoot." Only I didn't say "shoot." I was face-to-face with the reality that everything was about to change. I was overjoyed to find new meaning and purpose in my growing knowledge of my faith and relationship with God and God's people, but I was scared to let that begin to change the parts of my life I wasn't ready to surrender. I was "fearful yet overjoyed."
But here is part of the good news. Jesus didn't wait for Mary and Mary to resign themselves to fear or commit to being overjoyed before he appeared to them on the way. He met them in their complexity. He met them on their way to tell the others and on their way to being so full of joy that fearfulness was overcome. Jesus is with us on our way as well. In the times that we are "fearful yet overjoyed," it is good to remember that Jesus is on the way with us, and he will meet us on this journey in meaningful ways. Like Mary and Mary experienced, this meeting might not remove our fear, but give us a mission and purpose to pursue with great joy instead of dwelling upon fear.
As many may find headline after headline inviting them to embrace fearfulness, how are we being called to remain overjoyed? What mission is Jesus giving us to move us past fear?
- Spencer Hargadon