Memorial of Saint John Vianney, Priest
While reflecting on today’s Gospel I was struck by how doubt plays such a significant part in our human journey. For me, the word ‘doubt’ carries an inherently negative connotation. But when I thought a bit more about my own experiences of doubt I began to realize that many good things have transpired in my life because I have allowed myself to experience doubt. In other words, even though doubt may be associated with insecurity, ambiguity, and other such uncomfortable feelings, most significant changes in my life have been a result of my acceptance of the particular discomfort and/or insecurity associated with doubt.
Today’s Gospel relates the story of Jesus walking across the water. The disciples are terrified by what they fear may be a ghost coming across the sea toward their boat. Jesus calls to them. Peter, not sure if it is indeed Jesus, asks Jesus to command him to walk across the water toward him. Peter begins to walk across the water toward the Lord but becomes fearful of the strong winds and begins to sink. Jesus catches Peter and says to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And there it is. Who among us would not have responded with fear and doubt as Peter did? We can come away from this Scripture thinking that we must have a more unshakeable faith in the Lord and that would indeed be a good thing. The end of this story says, “Those who were in the boat did him homage, saying, “Truly, you are the Son of God.”” Whether Jesus did this to test the faith of the disciples or give them an opportunity to grow in their faith we do not know. What is apparent is that Peter and the other disciples did indeed grow in their faith. These followers of Jesus, these who had left everything familiar and had spent every day and night with Jesus, not only experienced a change in the way they saw Jesus but the way they saw themselves as well. It surely must have fundamentally changed the way they lived in the world. I feel certain these disciples of Jesus experienced quite a bit of doubt during their time with him. In fact, doubt must surely have been their constant companion during those tumultuous years of his ministry.
Doubt is a reality of our human existence and it is uncomfortable. What is there in our lives that we have never once doubted? This is not meant to be a rhetorical question, rather something to ponder and pray about. Sometimes the experience of doubt can overpower us, paralyze us, and prevent us from truly living the life God intended for us. It can hinder our decision making, preclude our trusting others, and prevent us from growing. It can even stunt our faith in Jesus. The surprise in all of this is that doubt can actually bring us to a crossroads in our life. Doubt can make us question how we live in the world and why we are living that way. But for doubt, we could live our entire life in narrow mindedness and hardness of heart. Doubt can bring us to the very brink of greater freedom—and indeed it will if we can admit to the doubt and deal with the insecurity that accompanies it. The basic challenge that faces us is whether we are open and willing to question and change. Am I willing to consider that I may need to change the way I live in this world? Am I willing to endure the insecurity that goes hand in hand with change?
I may live my life in a way that I feel certain is faithfully following Christ. I may adhere to standards and doctrine that are completely in keeping with the Church. I may give my time, talent, and treasure to the Church. But am I open to the Spirit—the Spirit of God—who is always calling me to change? Is it possible that I clutch so tightly to the status quo and the security it affords that I am not open to change—to growth? I look at Peter and see myself in so many ways. Jesus was never about the status quo. Jesus is always calling us to change and challenge. And these things are always associated with doubt. I must be open to a certain amount of insecurity and doubt if I am committed to living my life as a follower of Jesus. This is a journey and a process—not an event. I must never feel I have arrived. When I feel I have arrived it nearly always means I have settled in to a rigid way of thinking and am not open to growing; I have likely ceased listening to the Spirit of God. I pray this day that I can recognize when the doubt I experience is an invitation to a deeper, more authentic following of Jesus. I pray for the grace and the courage to respond to him with an open heart—even if it means accepting the discomfort of doubt.
--Gail Lyman