Memorial of Saint Jerome, Priest and Doctor of the Church
One of my favorite books is an obscure collection of writings by the desert fathers called The Philokalia. In this collection of writings, one common piece of advice given by the fathers is “pay attention to yourself”. Today’s Scripture readings reminded me of this piece of advice. The passage from the Gospel of Luke has not one, but two instances—back to back—of the disciples clearly not paying attention to their own behavior. They seem so caught up in comparing themselves with one another and competing with persons they consider outside of their own group that they neglect to see the bigger picture. I can certainly identify with them! How often have I found myself so concerned with the actions of other people that I fail to see the real problem is me?
The two disciples are arguing about which of them was greater. A petty spat maybe, but Jesus finds it worthy of a response. The next incident immediately follows; this time the disciples are upset because someone outside “their group” has been casting out demons in Jesus’ name. Jesus says bluntly, “Do not prevent him, for whoever is a not against you, is for you.” (Lk 9:50) Jesus makes it clear to his disciples that these attitudes are not in keeping with the spirit of the Kingdom he is preaching. They are so preoccupied with the behavior of others, they are not paying attention to what they themselves are doing. Paying attention to oneself is not the same as being self absorbed or selfish. Neither is it navel gazing. When I pay attention to myself in the manner the Desert Fathers and Mothers intended, I see clearly how weak I am. I realize the thoughts that enter my mind need discernment. With my eyes on Jesus and the grace of God, I can reject those thoughts that lead me to compare myself with, compete with, disdain, or divide me from others. “Pay attention to yourself” means to be present to the truth of who I am—I am at once weak and broken and in need of forgiveness and mercy and I am completely dependent upon the love and grace and benevolence of the One Holy Immortal God. For me, it especially means that when I am disturbed about something or the actions of another person, it is best to first look at what is going on inside of me—instead of automatically looking to the other as the cause of my discomfort. This is not an automatic thing nor is it easy. This is all the more reason to not only stay in close proximity to Jesus (as were the disciples in these instances) but to always gaze on Him as well.
In reality, giving up all the judging and competing and so forth affords me a great measure of freedom; free to be who God intends me to be and free to do what I am intended to do. This Jesus…this Kingdom…it is what I must cling to, what I must struggle for, and it is what I ultimately long for. Until, as the Lord said to the prophet Zechariah, “Lo, I will rescue my people from the land of the rising sun, and from the land of the setting sun. I will bring them back to dwell within Jerusalem, They shall be my people and I will be their God, with faithfulness and justice.” (Zech 8: 7-8) Today, I pray I may keep in mind that little phrase “pay attention to yourself” and, in so doing, see more clearly who I am and how much I need the grace of God each and every moment.
O Holy Compassionate Father!
Keep my eyes focused on Jesus.
Grant me the grace to pay close attention
to how my own thoughts and actions
fulfill your will each moment this day.
With the intercession of Mary,
Through Christ, our Lord.
Amen
- Gail Lyman