Tuesday of the Thirtieth Week in Ordinary Time
I've been reflecting this week on distractions - all those things that I do, or that I have in my life that keep me from loving God more. For instance, I find I'm distracted by wanting to make people like me - students, colleagues and Facebook friends. I try to find pithy, cool statements to say, or amazing things to do with them - because I want to be popular among my colleagues and students and I want more or less immediate gratification. I want to know, instantly, what people are thinking of me (especially if they're thinking good thoughts) and I want all those "feel good" pay offs that come from that.
A related distraction is that I've been really goal oriented lately. If the process or steps involved in reaching a goal seem to me to take too long, I get impatient. Just like with my friends, I want instant gratification - I want to know that my work is done, and that I'm getting somewhere.
I don't think that wanting people to like me, or wanting to achieve a goal is inherently wrong. Being liked is related very much to important virtues that are necessary for Christians - like kindness, and generosity and hospitality. And Christians ought to have a goal in mind - namely life with God. But it's when seeking popularity, or seeking secondary goals, becomes more important that it becomes a problem. I want that gratification, I want to achieve that goal, rather than God.
Today's gospel reading (Luke 13:18-21) focuses on what God's kingdom is like, and what is especially important is to notice that the Kingdom begins with very, very small things - a tiny mustard seed, some yeast. With these tiny things, there is no instant gratification. Growth happens, but it takes time, and over a long time we can look back and see all the ways in which seed has been growing, or the yeast has been leavening bread. In fact, the mustard seed and the yeast become much, much larger than themselves, and very perceptible.
The gospel is providing a lesson in being okay with slow time, and non-instant gratification. Working slowly toward goals- so slowly that sometimes it feels like you're really just standing still - is fine, and indeed valued in the Kingdom of God.
And I'm reading today's first reading (Ephesians 5:21-33) in a similar kind of vein. While we often focus on male/female relationships and inequality when reading this passage (and that's important), today I'm thinking more about what it means to live into relationships slowly and faithfully. One of the mysteries of marriage relationships that we're called into is to try to be subordinate to each other, to care more about the other person's needs than about our own. That, too, takes time and patience and a lot of work. In my own marriage, I think about the ways we're learning how to argue with each other. I think we get better at it with each passing year - better at listening to each other, better at ignoring the stuff that really doesn't matter, better at apologizing. It's really hard to do that - and sometimes it seems like we get no where (especially when we have a big, big fight). But over time, I can look back and see: yeah, we're a little better at arguing - and therefore a little better at loving each other. And the great thing is, at its best, married life is supposed to be like the relationship between Christ and the Church. The better we get at loving, the more we're participating in the mystery of the Kingdom becoming greater and greater, and more full of love.
So this week, I'm praying for the grace to be content with small changes, and even all those times when I think I'm getting nowhere. It's exactly in those times that maybe we can thank God for the Kingdom.
- Jana M. Bennett