Monday of the Thirteenth Week in Ordinary Time
I have found one of the truest tests of how completely I am following Jesus is when I am experiencing fear. A number of years ago my family went through a period of time when my young son was struggling with substance abuse. As anyone who has lived this scenario knows, there were times we found ourselves sicker emotionally than my beautiful son. Would I go upstairs and find him unconscious—or worse? Every time the phone rang my heart stopped. For many, many months we lived in constant fear and pain and it bled into every area and relationship in our lives. At times it was just plain crushing. I found myself on my knees repeatedly each day and night for months on end and praying constantly to Jesus and the Blessed Virgin. And it was during this very time that I learned what it means to be completely powerless and dependent on God night and day, hour after hour, minute by minute. I learned that the bottom line of this experience for me was not about my son—it was about my relationship with God.
The passage from chapter 8 of Matthew’s Gospel talks about the two “would be” followers of Jesus. The first, a scribe, tells Jesus he will follow him wherever he goes. Jesus, knowing his heart, says, “Foxes have dens and birds of the sky have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to rest his head” (Mt 8:20). The second wishes to go first and bury his father before he sets out to follow Jesus. But Jesus says to him, “Follow me, and let the dead bury their dead” (Mt 8:22). Now we have every reason to believe these two men were upright citizens that were leading good lives in their communities. But Jesus was clearly asking for much more than that. In fact, he is asking for it all. While living a just life and following the Commandments is a good start, Jesus is asking us to follow completely. The commitment Jesus is asking for can only be fulfilled based upon a foundation of total love and trust. There is no room for reservations. There is no room for fear. There is only complete surrender.
During that period of time years ago, I began to realize how truly challenging complete surrender to Christ can be for me. Living in fear eased God out of my consciousness and had led me to live futilely attempting to control everything around me and in a constant state of frustration and exhaustion. Even now, in much more everyday things such as waiting for results of medical tests or worrying about my children and their issues the temptation to slide into fear remains. The truth of the matter is when I allow myself to slip into fear I am simply not focusing on Jesus and certainly not following him. This is a significant challenge for me. I have experienced and know deep in my heart that when I truly follow Christ, in addition to the challenges, there is also that peace that surpasses all understanding as well as joy, comfort, strength, and love. When I follow Christ there is no room for fear.
I am better than I used to be but have a long way to go. Today I know I have a choice to follow Christ or allow myself to be drawn away from him by a spirit of fear. May God grant me the grace to choose only him.
"O Holy Mysterious Source of Love
Hold me close to your heart this day
Shelter me from anything that may
draw me away from my call to follow you.
Let me always choose love
Let me always choose you.
With the intercession of Mary,
In Jesus name I pray
Amen."
- Gail Lyman